我讨厌自己每一次都拿么倒霉
我讨厌每一次都很不开心的自己
我讨厌突然又想起你的自己

我讨厌放下后，还回头望的自己

我喜欢快乐的自己，我喜欢不被约束的感觉
我喜欢被疼爱的感觉， 我喜欢被爸爸妈妈宠爱的自己

我怀念想说什么就说的自己， 我怀念不避顾及后果的自己
我怀念以前的笑容，我怀念曾经可以说哭就哭的自己
我怀念霸道的自己，我怀念任性的自己……

... i miss typing in chinese alot.
i realised, how much things i'm hating, i'm liking and i'm missing.

now, i'm being restricted to so many things due to my future (maybe). sometimes, i rly feel like cursing so much and i can only do that at home or with eliza/sakae cliques. sometimes i rly do feel like just shouting or screaming so much and all i can do is endure.

i feel so damn restricted and i acted like i didnt care. but deep inside, i know.. it's not ELAINE WAH's style to... endure.
one example is.. when i'm with sakae clique.. i can just blow off my top with just anything and curse as much as i feel like, and i wont feel weird. i wont feel like i'm doing sth so damn against the world.

i know i must be holy. but... give me time, give me a break.
maybe it's because.. i'm down with a sore eye now and... given a break from work, school and everything... that i rly do have time to settle and think of my life.. what changes had took place.

i'm never against changes but.. still in the process of adapting to it.
就让我任性多一次吧…… the other day when my mother allow me to be a spoilt gal.. i felt rly blessed. i gave her a call after work and get her to come bus stop to fetch me home. JUST a sudden feeling to have my mummy waiting for me at bus stop.

and..... she's busy with her things but i insisted on it.
she came. i felt so damn.... HAPPY. ha, it's childish to do that i know and she knew that i'm up to my childish tactics again, yet she gave in.

this made me super happy for quite sometime, even now as i think back.
little things could make me super happy or super upset/piss. maybe this is the reason why... i sometimes think i dont suit my course. i mean, i dont fit in there as much because i'm like a kid myself. i do all sorts of childish, kiddish things and... i dont like to give in.

as what... those adults who know me well says..
"you, yourself is still a big kid.. refusing to grow up."

yea, i admit.
even as i blog this entry, i know i'm feeling childish and... sore. just let me be.....

i feel damn fking upset over many many things. yet.. i didnt actually gave much thought to how i felt until now. maybe thats the reason why i'm getting rly super short tempered nowadays. enduring... no. i cant endure for long till i explode. i'm too use to speaking my mind.

i'm tooo tired nowadays to even think.
ha! many ppl said that i'm in a super relax course but.. hell, no. there's alot to do yet i'm not giving much damn to them. no, i wont stay that way for long. let me adapt.

.... hell.
one wk had past since the funeral and.. i still cant believe anything that took place last wk. i still cant accept the fact and yet, i'm not allowing myself to... think of death so much. anyone, can go anytime.. let's just live life to the fullest, sth i'm wishing to.

LIFE is all abt... ? (fill in the blanks)